Don't clap your hands....

Hello Ballooney. This might be a long entry or not.
Wow, I don't know why I suddenly feel like posting.
Church service took up most of my time today. It's really weird because this is like the christmas and also the festive season, yet I can't feel the warmth and right here, right now, I'm experiencing what I felt in the camp. Emptiness.

I remember that one night, when Royston, he's my group leader came to pray for me. It's the same weird strange feeling of emptiness. How do I even began to describe it? It's like cold except that you don't feel cold. It's just this void of nothingness. Like a cold hard empty shell, devoid of all emotions. You don't feel fear, anxiety or anything. It's not happiness neither is it unhappiness, it's just nothing.

So much for the Christmas festive season huh? And I don't know why I cling on when there's nothing to hold. I'm like standing on my own two feet. Maybe God's watching me, but I can't feel Him. It's like He's not there for some reason which is absurd since He is there all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. That's how I truly feel and yet, when people come up to talk to me, I don't know how I can do it, but I actually smile and show signs of having emotions. There's a question for myself, am I hypocritical?

It's just really strange to me. And then I have all these random thoughts. Like imagining that one time in Europe, at the top of the mountain with my sister and my parents. That kind of fun in the snow. Laughter, and you can hardly look up because all you might end up seeing is snow. Snow is like soft ice for those you have not experience it. It's like your ice blended, soft and cold. It's beautiful and I have these thoughts about being up there alone in the mountain, just sitting at the edge and looking at all that snow. I like the idea of that. The isolation. It's strange that I want warmth and isolation at the same time. I want it to be filled with noisy crowded loving people and I want it to be empty and devoided of feelings concurrently.

I hope this year's Christmas will be a blast. Believe it or not, I'm feeling really generous with all the salary I've got. I want to like donate all my money or something or just spend the whole thing getting gifts for everyone. But I don't know what to get them? What would be the perfect gift but love? That's what I am thinking. Am I nuts? Haha. And I haven't gone shopping yet. I'm already thinking of things that are really special.....

This is abrupt but I feel like I want to end my thoughts here. So, in case, I can't get the computer, this message is for all of you people on there living in this world:

HAVE A CHUBBY CHRISTMAS AND A JOLLY GOOD TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU DEEPLY ON THIS DAY!

Love you all, as usual, Little Duckie signing off. :D.