I don't get it, I really don't. I'm suppose to be studying MF then why all the weird thoughts entering my head?

The studying was going so well. Until these thoughts enter my head.

I just thought about how life is like. I just suddenly feel that jealousy has grabbed hold of me and locked me up like a prisoner. I will not give in! People can be jealous of me too, it's all based on perceptions. But I think it's more of my own insecurities. Sigh, am I too nice I sometimes ask myself. That I let others trample over me?

There's this saying something like either you live or I die, can't remember it. Means one will win and well of course, I'm the dead one. Is it gonna be like that? I am so powerless, I just can't stop thinking about it.

A lot of things, like how we are all so selfish, we stand up for ourselves only and we leave the rest behind. I guess there was one time I got really angry, that I was the one left behind. It's not my fault, I have issues too. And I hope to get over them soon. I guess this is one of it. Why do I remember the sadness, anger and grieveness when I can remember the happy memories?

Like how today, I went out with Hui Yin, :D. I felt like wow, never been to a shopping mall for so long already. Never did window shopping. I feel like I forgot what it is like to be a girl. But I never really got the chance to experience it. I don't go shopping and I have no money to shop too. I don't have much of a social circle and am lacking in social skills. I am still coping back though. I have my school friends, I have my church friends, my outside friends, they are still friends but I guess other than that, in school, I still feel disconnected to the world. Why?

I've turned so pessimistic now. What happen to the happy-go-lucky me? Sigh, today's events affected me a lot a lot I guess. It showed me a lot too. How spoiled some people are in their own ways and worlds. And so defensive. What are you trying to protect? Why do you bluff your way into stuff like that? Why can't you be for real? Sigh. Maybe it's jealousy because I am for real but so cold and bitter. Then for her, I don't know. Haha. I think I got problems with girls.

I can't talk to them. Wow, I can't talk to my own species. Well, I pretty much can't really talk to people who are so concerned about their looks, about materialism, I realised I really can't talk to them, all the fakers, and such. Maybe what I think of them is just in an arrogant way like, you are too simple minded for me and I think too complicatedly for you, sorry we're on the wrong frequencies, bye. Gosh, I'm such a dickhead haha.

Sigh, here i am again drowning in my thoughts and sorrows. I just don't get it sometimes. I really don't. How the world works. How people work. Sometimes I just wanna turn mad or go violent, is that a characteristic of my dad?

Sigh, oh no Joscelyn, don't go loony on me.

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