I don't get it, I really don't. I'm suppose to be studying MF then why all the weird thoughts entering my head?

The studying was going so well. Until these thoughts enter my head.

I just thought about how life is like. I just suddenly feel that jealousy has grabbed hold of me and locked me up like a prisoner. I will not give in! People can be jealous of me too, it's all based on perceptions. But I think it's more of my own insecurities. Sigh, am I too nice I sometimes ask myself. That I let others trample over me?

There's this saying something like either you live or I die, can't remember it. Means one will win and well of course, I'm the dead one. Is it gonna be like that? I am so powerless, I just can't stop thinking about it.

A lot of things, like how we are all so selfish, we stand up for ourselves only and we leave the rest behind. I guess there was one time I got really angry, that I was the one left behind. It's not my fault, I have issues too. And I hope to get over them soon. I guess this is one of it. Why do I remember the sadness, anger and grieveness when I can remember the happy memories?

Like how today, I went out with Hui Yin, :D. I felt like wow, never been to a shopping mall for so long already. Never did window shopping. I feel like I forgot what it is like to be a girl. But I never really got the chance to experience it. I don't go shopping and I have no money to shop too. I don't have much of a social circle and am lacking in social skills. I am still coping back though. I have my school friends, I have my church friends, my outside friends, they are still friends but I guess other than that, in school, I still feel disconnected to the world. Why?

I've turned so pessimistic now. What happen to the happy-go-lucky me? Sigh, today's events affected me a lot a lot I guess. It showed me a lot too. How spoiled some people are in their own ways and worlds. And so defensive. What are you trying to protect? Why do you bluff your way into stuff like that? Why can't you be for real? Sigh. Maybe it's jealousy because I am for real but so cold and bitter. Then for her, I don't know. Haha. I think I got problems with girls.

I can't talk to them. Wow, I can't talk to my own species. Well, I pretty much can't really talk to people who are so concerned about their looks, about materialism, I realised I really can't talk to them, all the fakers, and such. Maybe what I think of them is just in an arrogant way like, you are too simple minded for me and I think too complicatedly for you, sorry we're on the wrong frequencies, bye. Gosh, I'm such a dickhead haha.

Sigh, here i am again drowning in my thoughts and sorrows. I just don't get it sometimes. I really don't. How the world works. How people work. Sometimes I just wanna turn mad or go violent, is that a characteristic of my dad?

Sigh, oh no Joscelyn, don't go loony on me.

>.< and back to Mef. -

I have no idea where else I could turn to already.

So here I am. Today turned out to be a little weird. I couldn't get out of bed. But I did in the end, because of guilt.
I did a note today that was titled "I realise.."

Everyday or every morning, there is a hidden guilt in my heart. I guess that guilt affects everyone at home. Everyone who is a girl would feel it.

But then today was so well until the night came. Today was spent looking at the Academic Writing Essay. My essay title was Memories and Nostalgia Amongst the Elderly.

Well, I have memories and nostalgia too. I let go of my 10 miserable years in school. Yet they still haunt me, I was looking through people's facebook profiles just now, and I also did the note.

It's horrible, after seeing everything. I guess it really affected me a lot and it started because well, I was treated coldly by so many people. And I guess that affected me. Well, but I am in no position to feel like I have feelings but I have every right to ignore these current situations.

I am to resume my busy post, because I have Exams, I need to study, I have last minute assignments I need to complete. So I have every right, every reason to just drop and let go. But I just can't seem to do that.

I feel like I wear a mask, and my mask is beautiful.

Yo what's up, people!

Updates: My classmates from TP have discovered my blog RAWR.
I don't know how but I guess that adds on to the audience that I have!

OKAY BABES/GUYS YOU GOT A LOT OF READING TO DO!

IF YOU BOTHER TO READ

HAHA.

Okay here goes. So it's been a really busy time for me in TP. Yes, you have to read that stupid line again.
I'M SERIOUS!
And it's gonna get even more busy for me. But if you don't know or if you must know. I like Busy.
Busy is my best friend!

Anyway, I will be having a lot of things going on. Even though I have no life or that my life revolves around been in school and such.

However, I must tell you guys! Today is a really rare day! My family went to take like photoshoot! :D!
I don't have the pictures but I gotta tell you, I REALLY hate Putting Make Up on!

I mean, yeah, I go to work and I only put a bit of make up like the eyeshadow and Lipstick or Lip Gloss which ever.
But photoshoot.. O. M. G. It's like everything the whole foundation once, then twice, blusher, eyeliner. LIPSTICK!
I was dying.

And I gotta tell you, this experience made me see my inner feminine side. I guess ladies, you all have felt this way before too. You wanna look pretty, you want to look beautiful, infront of the camera, infront of the men.. And I thought before too, I don't mind doing things like dancing, performing, modelling. As long as I look pretty infront of the people, I don't embarrass myself.

So as I sat there, looking at all the fuss... I start to think about what people have told me. From knowing people who are modelling part-time. Working in photoshoots and getting paid, I started to think if I wanted it too. It looks fun, dolling up except that I have to get use to make up. But I don't need make up.

I used to think make up is for ugly people or people who dont think they are pretty and need to put them so I told myself regardless of whether I am pretty or not. I don't need make up. I want my life partner to love me for who I am. I want him to appreciate me for who I am too.

but today, obviously I was wrong. But I just sat there, swimming in my thoughts, you know? But it was a cool experience! I want to try it out too. Part-time modelling and everything. Seems cool, awesome.

Anyway, back to today, that was how I felt. I have had a lot of people telling me too that I could advertise in Shampoo Advertisements. But who would want me to advertise in their advertisements? Haha. Well, but yeah school's really busy and I have bonded immensely with my TP Debaters. They are a really an insightful bunch. I thank God for all the time I have spent with them and all.

Well, I still have things to do now. 3 things in fact. And they are quite important. My Exams are coming. If you could, pray for me? Thank you so much! (:

If you could see me now, what would you do?