Ohhhh yeah. (:

Today feels like a really awesome day. I feel like I have achieved something today.
And I want to thank one of my colleague! She helped me.

We helped each other actually. To get over 2 idiots. :P.
I can say idiot here because they really are idiots in their own ways.

I feel really awesome today like I have achieved something that I didn't think I could achieve.

I have finally let go.
I have learnt and realise a lot of things.

There are fine lines separating, it takes time to nurse a broken heart and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And also just this whole relationship thingy. I felt like a brand new me bursting through with succession.

I was young and in love and very much hurt. I vowed to be free from all the tangles of love. I wanted to be what I wanted to be, an independent free young woman. But haha, how possible is it to run away from love? You can never run away from your problems. I learnt that the hard way. Neither is it easy to face it.

That's why we face it with our friends, we face it with as much courage as we have summoned out. I learn that. Today I learnt that some problems, you have to make a decision. You can't run away from it forever but then there's always putting the problem aside for a moment then getting back to it. But it can be put about as running away from it.

I learnt that today because I wanted to face the problem, I'm like all set and ready to face it and when it really comes, it catches me unaware and all so I froze there in my seat, unable to make a move. That's what I realise. Facing your problems ain easy but taking a step to try to solve it is good, it's encouraging.

I don't know how long my problem is going to last but I hope it won't end nasty. (:

I know it will take time to solve it, I must learn to be patient. And patient I shall try to be. Because I am not exactly a patient person. :P.

You must be too. (:

Love you (:

"I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I want to walk but I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you"

Haha, I guess that's one way to describe how I feel.
There are others which are really comical.
Life is like that.
However, the life that I have. It really is different.

I daydream and dream of this young man that I can love and hold in my hand.
That he will love me and hold me in his hand, we'll be the perfect one for each other.
But I have a problem finding him, and he has a problem finding me.
Each time a perfect candidate like that comes along, he is usually always taken and not for me.
And I always get left, crushed behind.
I find and find and find but gets false hope in return.
There are so many yet I am unsatisfied with all.

Then there is also the forbidden fruit...

"I love you but I gotta stay true
My moral's got me on my knees
I'm begging you
Stop Playing games

I don't know what is this but you got me good
Just like you knew you would
I don't know what you do but you do it well
I'm under your spell

You got me begging for mercy
Why won't you release me
You got me begging for mercy
Why won't you release me
I said release me"

Yes, I hope you understand how I feel. There's no other way else to describe it.
Love you all out there. (:

* Words in Italics are song lyrics

A dedicated post again. Haha.

Thank you for loving me so much. Though it was not meant to be, I was touched and loved by you while it lasted.

I experienced things in which, I would want to experience them again but I know I can't. But I'm happy that I have.

Thank you for coming into my life and not leaving your footprints behind. I hate people who pop in and out of my life. Just like that. People will think you're a player.

I hope that we can continue to be like how we are, we must exercise out limits. I cannot say that I am the only one who has and you have not fully but I believe that we are both equally at fault.

So please guide me and forgive me. Love you always xoxoxo. (:



You know how sometimes life really sucks. You can't always have what you want and in the modern century and times, we want more than what we have. We are so much greedier than before.

But that's where we are actually hurting ourselves. It is the risks that are thrilling and fun because there's the excitement of the unknown and curiosity.

Yet, sometimes in the name of fun and all, we forget what may or might also happen, we don't consider all consequences.

In the end, we may be suffering, but let us not suffer for nothing. Let us suffer and learn from it as well.

Suffering is easy to experience, learning may not be. So take heed.

"Once bitten, twice shy"

Love ya. (:

If today wasn't a bad day. Then maybe yesterday was. But today felt like such a sucky day. I hate it when I have nothing to do. When I'm not busy because then I got nothing to do, I will think about horrible things or things that I don't want to think about. Like today... ):

I just can't get you out of my head or mind. I just keep thinking about you. It's so wrong. I have mixed emotions. I hate you but I love you. I hate you for what you did to me. I love you because it affected me and made me feel a special way like very loved and very protected, very secured.

I feel like I shouldn't have seen you today, you shouldn't have come today, because I was doing so well so fine but yet, I was happy because you were coming. And when you came, you probably thought I hated you and didn't want to pay any attention to you, it was kind of true. I didn't know what we were anymore. I didn't know what to do.

You put me in a plight. I can't love you because I'm scared to go where I don't want to go. But you do know to a certain extent that I want to. I feel so mixed up so lost. We should talk it out. But I don't know. I don't want to. That's why I hate today.

Because talking it out means I'm accepting it, means it's true. Means I've done the unthinkable. The thing is I've thought the unthinkable but not done it. I'm suffering here. You really make me feel like I'm forbidden to fall in love. I can't do it.

But if you are reading this or have managed to read it. Come find me, You know how to. Go by our usual way. Let me know because I still want to talk to you. I want to know what's happening. I don't dare to make a move, but even not making a move is making a move because, you should know why. I want to talk and come and find you but I don't dare.

I'm going crazy. Please if you read this. Please, come and find me.

I don't know if I can still say "Love ya" like I do to everyone else but I'll say it to you anyway because it's true.

Love ya..

You know how you guys out there always have dreams?

Even I have dreams too. No matter how ridiculous they are. You may laugh at them, you may mock me. You may even empathise and sympathise with me. But whatever you do, they are my dreams and I'm going to tell you about them right now.

I hate it when reality kicks in because, they really did today and yesterday. But more effect today. I haven't confirm it yet but I must tell you, it really sucks and the best thing was that this conversation was on.

Just nice, on Tuesday, I had a nice long chat with Korkor. And I talked so much about my life. My first time in years, actually talking to someone who will listen to me, no matter how boring I am. And I felt like it was the first time I could be so blunt, so plain, so me. Without having to feel shy, be mocked at, I really really liked that feeling and for that, I would like to thank him in this blog, if he ever sees it. (:

So then, on Wednesday, it was sucky. Really. After the whole nice episode with Korkor, the following day got work, I think both of us got work haha. But I can still awake up lols. I'm proud of myself :P. Actually it's like saying I'm proud of lacking in sleep hahaha. But then actually yesterday could have been an awesome day if only I did not miss debates. But I did and also, yesterday, when I was working, I was alone. I did the dish washing myself. And I think I spent like 10am all the way to around really 6pm, really just standing there, washing dishes. I met this nice guy working there. Should be harmless to say his name? Okay let's give him a nickname. Let's call him N.

Well, I noticed on that day itself that I was wearing a black shirt and he was too. So that was like um okay. Haha. But I must admit he really is a nice guy because he helped me in the cleaning of the stuff for most of the day. There was another nice person too, she's a girl, senior in TP, awesomeness but she stayed til one so yeah, but I appreciate her help too.

Then like I said, Wednesday sucks because I missed debates and the worst thing is after the shift right, it was starting to pour so then I had to run, got wet, rushed for debates then later, I was told not to come so a big fat down arrow for me :((

Then today, Thursday, well, I must say it was a hell lot of a better day. Woke up nice and refreshing because of the rain, it was cool. Then had fishball noodles for breakfast before setting out to work, and thought I thought I was going to be late for work, I wasn't haha. Well, when I arrived at work, um the nice girl was there already and I came a few minutes earlier than N. And the first thing again I noticed was that, I was wearing a yellow shirt and so was he. So I asked him, "Is it just me or we are wearing the same colour shirt again? Hahaha, yesterday you wore a black shirt, so did I and today I wear a yellow shirt and so did you." Freaking awesome man. Haha. He said he didn't noticed. Haha.

Yup so then, today was really better because halfway I had help from someone else so it's better in the sense.

Now, back to what I said, the dreams part and reality. This N guy that I have just met. He reminds me of Joel. Yes. Joel Lee ZJ. I think it's the same hair and they sort of behave like the same. Anyway, so then, I had a conversation with N. And I really hate it because. This N guy, he has the characteristics of a dream guy that I threw away.

My dream guy according to my dreamy desires when I was young and innocent and so ambitious. I wanted to marry a guy from the UK. And I preferably like if it's the strongest currency, Pounds. So yeah he does. And I hope that my guy is one year older than me, is blond, taller, slim, lean. He has perfect eyesight too. He score all the points and he is here in Singapore. I don't really care about the blue eyes stuff, I'm flexible on that. :D.

Okay so the majority of you mad crazy girls would ask me to grab him and never let him go but the thing is, when this dream came to me. I wasn't feeling excited. Happy or whatever, I just felt nonchalant. Like matter-of-factly. And he was talking to me about my dreams and I told him that reality and dreams never clash for me. So ironic.

I know why i dont feel anything. Goes to show I really have thrown them away. I had dreams like I want to be a model, singer, actress, be like coco, makes clothes and all. But of course, they are just dreams. We can pursue them with our hearts. I also wanted to be a multi-talented musician, and other things too like an air-stewardess, tourist guide?

So I'm just feeling miserable maybe. A part of me feels sad, another doesn't. It's like I'm numb.

Numbness has to go sleep now, sorry for abrupt ending.