Well, I guess today's quite a day I must say.

I was just thinking, am I really that insecure?
One cut and a sharp blade left me an open wound that can never close?

Insecurity and doubt everywhere.
Will I ever have that confidence of opening up and knowing that I am accepted?

Then there's this whole thing about me wanting to know everything and all that.
What are you thinking Jos.
People have their own spaces. You like yours too, don't you?
Oh no, you don't have one. You don't know what's that heh.

But then I feel like I am alone all the time. Why?
I love my friends, my TP group of classmates, the girls. Yet, I feel leftout.
I am like always with friends but always so alone in the group.

Even in church, I wish I could hold up a mirror and look at myself, I see one person standing there. Do I see it? Does the mirror show me what I want to see?

Guess I can't get that image out of my mind. Is this what you get for being alone for so long? I don't know.

Even with Leroy, I feel like I am standing alone too. And if I drag him along with me, he'd be standing alone too. He can't live with that. He needs a social circle with a lot of friends. I look like I could do on my own.

Or maybe I like being in the social circles, just the company but never close to them? I wonder...

But I think I'm close enough? No? Please enlighten me.

It's like living in your ivory tower and seeing everything from the outer perspective.

Will I ever step in? Will I ever be in the circle?
Or it's just me?

Can't decide.

-

HELLO!

Hey guys, well the feeling is back, is this feeling called Burn Out?

Sigh, was supposedly studying... I have a lot of things to do but then I don't want to do them, I just want to have one superbly wild day and play hahaha!

Well I can't. I got exams soon yeah in a couple of weeks, on my birthday and for 3 days. Nice, right?

It's like I got work to do and so much things to attend to but yet I just can't keep myself tied to one corner and all, I end up doing something else, got that feeling before?

And the next thing I know is.... I am always found at the same places.
TP, Home, PL, Church. Zomg. It's like WHAT. Hahaha, and I feel so sad and sorry for Daddy because his little girl has become very boring.

I used to complain about him being not free but he's not used to being free too. He sleeps leh! What the! Then he lives with his laptop, do household chores.... What about me? Well, I study, work, play a lot, slack a lot, live everyday like it is. With tv and all. There's like no ZING! to life. So life's really boring.

But you can definitely rely on some things in life.
Like friends, forever dynamic sweet cute friends! :D! (Of course I'm referring to you sweet stuff out there, in church and in TP :D) and Daddy haha who belongs on a category all on his own. Sad thing. :P.

And yet, only about 6 people know the deep secret? Or not that deep.
This is how I'm feeling about it. I listened and listened to this song and the feeling is starting to fade away....

Kelly Clarkson: Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Sounds sad but fits almost perfectly. :/

Yeah well I do ask myself too, what's wrong with me? o.o
Maumau said it's something to do with lack in something else. Hmm...
Don't see how the other person can make up for the lack. :/

Oh yeah and compare it with this song.... It's been controversial....

Beyoncé - Halo

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Contradicting right? I mean if you heard the songs, they are er well, they sound the same but then they are totally different! One's a break up song the other is a falling in love song!

Haha don't worry it's just almost from the same guy or song writer or song composer so they are absolutely fine! Plus, I love these 2 songs! But I gotta admit, Already Gone is a nice song than Halo but the person who sang Halo is a better singer than the person who sang Already Gone! :P!

OH YEAH.....
Sad Valentines Day this year?

Like seriously hahaha. I was talking to Cousin about it.
He said sad for couples and those who want to confess during Valentines Day.
People call it V.Day. :D!

So it's like visiting then what, go dating? Haha. He reasoned that we can't go visiting the whole day, which is true! Haha! :)

Well, I guess I should start hitting my butt to get some things done!
Hope I provided some interest and insight to you in this entry.
Loves~ The Duckie. :D.

I don't understand it, for a few days now, my main email account is like this.

Anyway, it was a good day, good head start, got more than enough money, comfortable cash... It was a pretty good day too because I got a test in which I didn't really study everything but not too bad, I sort of have a bit of confidence in it, but I gotta tell you, today at least got 3 tests.

All pretty much the same subject because today only got one subject. BNF. Yur extended Food&Nutrition poured in with Biology, Chemistry and Physics. Your honeycone flavour.

Then, the notes cost $9 to print. The last test was quite a bad disaster. And now, this. But I guess I was overjoyed to find out that I can and am allowed to bring home books that I borrowed from the library. It's just every single copy of the textbook is out! Even the seventh edition, my textbook has the most recent one, ninth,then eighth then seventh!

But the ninth was totally out, eighth too and seventh only left one copy!

My school library has this section where all the textbooks are. But hey who knows you can borrow books from there :D:D So I guess not all hope is lost, that's why I am happy but now, this.

This ain my cup of tea.

I got your "one of those days" syndrome.

17:40pm:
CHECKLIST
[]study for BNF test on Tuesday
[]LAW Proj
[]Online etut for stats
[]Psychology SDL
[]Debates quiz
[]stats homework tut 8, 9, some other paper
[]World Issue test/consultation on Wednesday
[]Stats test on the 12th January

17:42pm:
oh my gosh. Talk about today. Well, I haven't blogged for a really long time. I feel myself procrastinating now.
And here's something really random I like to watch the Hey Arnold! episodes on Youtube, I feel so relaxed and better.
Just a bunch of preschool kids but they are so interesting lol lol lol.

17:43pm:
Looking at my table it's freaking messy sia, it's not really my table it's like the living room table but I'm dominating it and across it, looking at my study table, it's kinda like there's nothing there on it.... And I have no idea what to do with the textbooks of last semester... Donate? They cost a freaking bomb and the notes? Do I keep them?

17:44pm:
I was at PL today for cellgroup and service, it's really random, people come late as usual then we had word first, like no worship, and the word i gave was kinda crappy no reference to the bible just all from my memory of what I remembered from being at CHC or the CHC trip yeah. Conversations and all.

Then there was duty, kept running around, today got 402 people, the new sec1s came, they are a big bunch around 3 rows or more of the seats in the auditorium, about 66 people plus?

Then I hung out with the usual people for lunch, Vic, Karmen, Joel, Janel, Jerry went for his cell lunch so it's just Joel and the galfrens... Janel was the ultimate, always getting teased regardless, she owes me $2 just like I owe my classmate 2 bucks too hahaha. She and her dory. But seriously, Janel's really funny like...

Today everyone was late for cell. Vic called up and said she'll be late. Okay. Michelle smsed halfway that she'd be late. Okay. Yi Ying no answer. Karmen, call her then she told me. Janel is the best, Janel is like.. I called her house..
"Hello? Janel please"
*fumbling around, soft voice* "Hm? Hello..?"
"Janel, what time is it?"
"10...."
"Then?"
"I.. I just woke up" or she said she was very tired...
Cell starts at 10am by the way, lol.

Sigh... But I guess the interesting part about today was that, there was this music appreciation session in which I think everyone was uhhh late. Hahaha, but it's not so bad, it's an eyeopener lol. I thought I dozed off because of the mood and atmosphere and all. Power of music, the more loud and bangings then the really slow, quiet kinds, I think I would have liked it lol if I hadn't just eaten haha.

But yeah that's pretty much the wrap up for today.

17:53pm:
Really don't feel like doing any work, I seem to always be struggling on doing work. It's driving me nuts. Lol, I'm going to be like Janel I guess!

JANEL! I LOVE YOU! :D!

That's why I keep talking about you hahahaha.

17:54pm:
End my post here, sorry for not updating for a long time, not too sure what to say hahaha. :)

I think I have lost a lot of readers. Nobody posts or says hi on my tagboard so I don't know actually XP.