Aloha.

2017 already. So, does anyone still use blogger? Or use a blog? Hahaha.

I have been so absorbed in my work, that it seems I've lost track of what really means the most to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever asked yourself, what means the most to me?

I have! And I have always asked myself this.

Apart from this, I also ask myself what's the meaning of life. Why was I born and brought into this world and how as an individual can I contribute to this world?

I guess that's the question we all ask ourselves and we want to know or more like, we're dying to find out why or maybe, that's the reason why we're in this world. To find out why we are in this world.

I haven't been updating much on my blog so here goes... It seems the last time I remember having a blog was when I was in Secondary School. It was an IN thing then.

But I read somewhere that the kind of person that I am is that I choose whether I want to be part of the IN thing or not because I don't believe in feeling this sense of peer pressure.

I only found out that after secondary school when I studied Psychology that this peer pressure thing doesn't really affect me because of my mother. She nags at me and I always in a way "rebel" against her so that's the reason why I don't really suffer from this peer pressure that society does.

And for that, thank you mummy! :)!

I guess my life really did start to feel damn damn different when I entered Poly. It was like a first wave of culture shock. I remember crying on my first day because I was like WTF is going on! But yea :/

It was not guided and like a classroom style, it was more free learning. To be honest, until now Idk if I can appreciate this style of learning or I still prefer the classroom style.

This year I'm 25 already and well no longer in Poly. I look back at what I've gone through and my life choices and all that.

The changes that I've been through as well. After Poly, I immediately jumped into a job that totally wows me. Not only in pay but also opened my eyes to see the world.

Ok I have to be random and admit something now. I recently purchased a new laptop. It's a ASUS core i7 lappy and typing this entry makes me realise that I am absolutely so foreign to this laptop keyboard.
Took me dunno how long to find the open and close brackets. Lucky, I can still type fast but then a lot of the buttons seem to be missing hahaha NOT. Just need to use the shift keys and function keys more often. How horrible :P

So Anyway as I was saying, I find myself asking myself Jos, what do you really want in your life?
Another question I ask myself is what makes you happy?
So I'm gonna list here what I think makes me happy hahahaha

1. Eating delicious food. Of course if cheap and delicious then YEA

2. Guess I'm young at heart for this one? I still like going to theme parks and it does feel like it's my birthday Hahahaha

3. Going to see scenic views. This one is totally definitely man!

4. AirBnb? I realise that I like to go to a city and stay there overnight or something, it's like soaking in the city feeling you know? I only realise this in the past few years that I like to soak in the culture and bask in their ways of living, it's a damn awesome feeling

5. Now now now, who doesn't like to receive compliments? Hahahaha But hey, I don't wanna get a big head ya. :P

6. Being with my friends of course. It sounds dumb but I like having a purpose or an aim. Yes there are times that I want to feel like I wanna freestyle and be spontaneous but mostly, I want to feel like I have a purpose and an aim. :)

7. Surprisingly, looking back at photos and memories and just walking down memory lane.
It's like a sense of how far you have come and you have conquered and done so much.
It can be quite encouraging, you know? :)

8. I think that's most of it. Could we add in a last one? Hmm I guess when a person is more er real to me. Like they trust me and they confide in me...
To be honest, often or not, whenever it happens, it surprises me. I don't know... Sometimes I think... Am I that sort of person? Do I come across as that sort of person? That you would lower your guard to tell me something close to your heart? Hahahaha. But it happens it does warm my heart and it also it just makes you feel this sense of achievement? And you feel closer to the person?

I always believe that when someone confides in you, yes you listen and it's also nice to like er tell them something that's also close and personal to you as it is to the person if not the person feels very vulnerable. Hahahaha.

I guess that's all for now?

Hopefully I will blog more often.

If not,

I'll see ya,
When I see ya.

Luv, Da Duck.

-

It has been like what? 3 years?

I stumbled upon this today, somehow today seems to be like a walk down memory lane.

Starting from the very first moment when I woke up in bed.

You won't believe the dream that I've had!

I was dreaming that I was in a country (not Sg obviously) with a not so stranger person.

I knew this person for almost close to 7 years of my life. Since I was 13 all the way to like when I was 19? Seems like it.

I have a crush on him for like forever. I know his closest or once upon a time closest friends. I still keep his gifts. I think.

I never forget our moments together and I think if I see him now, they might all come back and flow back and the memories and the moments. Maybe, we'll have a ton of things to talk about. :)

My dreams are as erratic as the past few ones.. Always it seems I plunge right straight into it. I appear to have started with realising I had hooked arms with someone maybe a stranger. A familiar muscular fair white arm. It is noticeably obvious that this person is definitely taller than me. I was looking surprised at the hooking of the arms and I looked up to my left only to see a smile in delight upon my face.

I stared in wonder and awe at this smiling face, it was a face lit up that I could never forget. My heart raced and tripped over some seconds but I was excited and my face cracked to expose my grin widely.

We were together for a brief period of time. Going to the movies to catch the latest Batman movie. He is a fan and has always been a fan. Even adopted such a nickname. I never have called him that however. For me his birth name was the one I have ever called him.

In my dream, he was wonderful, happy and smiling. It seems and appears that we were on a date together, blissful, shy like a couple's first time. I knew all I thought in my head was this is it, the moment that I missed and wished that I could have in reality. My brain knew I was in dream world.

The next thing I knew, the scene changed. We were still heading to the movies but no longer was I with the man that made me elated. I was in a crowded bus filled with Caucasian students and passengers. I was upset but still in a dreamy state. I never forget his muscular arms and staring at them touching my arm and touching me. I could not get the feeling and image out of my mind that there he was beside me at such close proximity. I was never this close to him before or not that I can remember.

My brain also seem to portray the far-fetch spell upon me that we had hug. Like a fangirl, I believe my lungs would have burst and my whole body would have screamed. But it was probably the best feeling ever like standing on top of the mountain. All I wanted to remember and hold on to me forever was his face, his smile, his happiness and it was all based on the fact that it was because I was there.

Of course when reality splashed on me and my eyes opened for real. I passed the day away without much concern and thought for him. The bitter truth sets in. Although my heart was in love with him. Secretly the feelings has been awakened, the brain doesn't fail to notify the heart the truth.

He's never really shown as much smile as he does factually. Whenever he's with you, he upholds a grim, firm, irritated, hateful attitude towards you. You let him down. You let him go. And You, are in regret. You gave away what you felt could never work out. And now you look back in bitter hunger of upset knowing you had let go something good, something you truly wanted in your heart.

But Alas, the moment and time has passed. One can only look back and wonder, did he felt the same way? If he did, why didn't he try harder?

One has matured their thinking and time has changed their perspective on love totally.

I don't think you'll ever read this entry. But on Monday, Oct the 3rd. I woke up in delight because I dreamt about you and our fantastic short time together. You weren't upset, you weren't irritated. You were you, your smiling wonderful gorgeous you.

I miss that in you, I really do. But that was ancient times. I've let you go and I've moved on and you definitely have. So why did I have this dream today? Why did I wake up dreaming and thinking of you? Happy and excited like a new girl, freshly newly in love like someone, who has never been in love before, falling in love... with you.

Some things in life I will never know but now that my heart has spoken and said its piece... All I can say is yes I am in regret we never got a chance but I bet if we did, we might have had some wonderful memories together. Maybe more wonderful than today because I realise whatever I did then and now, we are still apart so maybe, we aren't meant to be together.

So much for

Togetherr Foreverr Always

They're all lies. Nothing but, a packet of lies.

And ladies and gentlemen, that's life.

-

Dear blog,

Sorry I haven't been updating you for awhile as I am very busy. My table is mostly disorganised and in a mess. As a result, it is of no surprise that items of mine disappear especially when I am not around. It is really irritating.

A really cool thing to tell you though is that I am typing this entry on my phone! Cool right?! I used to come to my phone devastated that the only thing I could do on it was go to my blog and read my entries. Now I can actually type my entris! Yay! Hahahaha! I'm one happy duckie! (:

Anyways I am currently right now single for my status. It is a little bit surreal to me. It is like as though I have forgotten how it is like to be alone. To be single, to live your life as only one person. I always had or have people around me last time and the idea of love only came as a privilege. Now til today I still see it as a privilege and not as a need.

Aiya so sian. This stupid phone of mine isn't user-friendly at all. Don't get China fake phones ok? Only give you problems and nonsense. Honestly and really. No lies. Ok gtg. Have to figure out how to do a printscreen. Did one before but the same method doesn't seem to work twice. So sian really.:(

Dear Blog,

It's me again of course, who else would it be? Seems like my biological clock has set itself on this timing and is going to stay on this timing for quite a while..

I have been pretty distracted lately. First it was by work, tons and tons of work like a tsunami swallowing me down. You should see my table now. A piece of artwork all on its own. Hairspray, tissuebox, waterbottle, ANZ paper, SASA plastic bag, cotton wool, LANCOME Paris bag, nail polish remover, the list could go on for 3 days. &pathetically sad to say, I am still blowing my nose away until kingdom comes. Yep. So much for I'm going to see the doctor on Friday eh? Or "I'm gonna get better" eh? I really really hope so.

But you know this thing?



It saves lives or at least my life. It's really powerful. I took like once and then I was feeling way tons better like the reaction was just "Whoa!"

Anyway I've been really dreamy and it feels like most of the time I live in my own world. Once upon a time, someone I knew told me it was amazing how I could see the complexity of the world and that particular person was sad that, this complexity could only be seen by me, they wanted to see it too.

&the more I think about this, the more I realised maybe I'm not as approachable as I thought I was before. Or people change over time. I've changed to someone quiet but I can be noisy when in an environment that I feel totally comfortable and myself in. But I regret to inform you that nowadays in environments where I am usually loud and noisy, I am in fact, stoning, I'm quiet. I do not speak anymore.

On a lighter note though, I am somehow close to my sisters now, which is really interesting. We were young and not close at all but now we are and it is like having unofficial girlfriends when they are around. Of course, I still don't quite behave like myself to be honest. :/

I have become practical like my mother. The epitome of practicality. It's a bad sign if you ask me. I want to be me again but then I realise of course that I am of the extreme poles. Really practical on one hand and I lose all my emotional capabilities and when I am totally and completely emotional, I lose all my practical capabilities. Which is probably why I don't like being in love because it's hard to flip the switch. Either that or if I don't be in love, I'll be like my mother which I must tell you, isn't too much of a good news to me.

Would love to chat more but I'm afraid I need to go now. ^^

Loads of love from the Duck.

I'm as lost and distracted as my post..

Be prepared for a terrible monologue by me. I have warned you...

Why does everyone think that everything is self-given to them!? If everything is given to you naturally then HOW IS THAT LIFE?!

Life sucks because life is always the same, you work hard for what you want and eventually you get it or you don't. Usually you don't get what you want out of life.

Here's the trouble or reason why: We like things to be organise, neat and in order. We love to see it for the way that it is. So, we always make plans. We are so often stringent and let's say "stick to the plan" sort of person so we are stiff and strict. But I know for me, I am the adaptability kind of person, usually I just keep going with the flow, I just take what I can get and be satisfied and happy with it. BUT WHAT I CANNOT TOLERATE IS! When you do something nice for someone THEY DON'T FREAKING APPRECIATE IT! Worst is sometimes you wonder if they DESERVE IT! Like seriously... Make me regret for being nice to you, that's all!

&I can't believe I'm going to say this... I feel so softhearted saying this... As much as I am angry at you, I can't help but pity you and pity my mum the most really. She really suffer a lot. I think she will be first. Usually that's the case. But both of them got very strong and tough personalities on their own so I guess they'll both have very long lives. (stats show that nowadays older people are really living much longer than the previous older people... yes) So anyway the reason why I pity you is because maybe secretly inside you. You fear losing your power. &your power is SO IMPORTANT TO YOU! I learnt this in school: Older people like the respect that they get at work for being so long in the company and all the knowledge they accumulated and stuff but honestly, both of you... I tend to take a HUGE pinch of salt when CONSIDERING whether to take your advice! Honestly, everyone likes to be viewed positively and admired by all! BUT YOU HAVE TO EARN IT!

If there's one thing I hate and despise society for, it's the stupid Patriarchy society view. Part of me understands that we should give the guys this because the Bible said so, God made us this way BUT SERIOUSLY. They should at least behave like they earn this title right?! I'm sorry but I feel like I'm giving this title to a kid! And hello, I AM A KID?! NO!? It's just what I feel and kids don't usually make you have high expectations of them because you already know what they are like! In front of your eyes! But this one... IS A Big kid if you ask me!

&oh gawd, to men, MEN! Pride, ego, ability, face is SO IMPORTANT! For women, it is a little the same too but COME ON PEOPLE! BE MATURE ABOUT IT! Mau explained it to me before... For women it is more on the emotional side, for men it is more technical. All about ability. Women not really, it's a bit of an insecurity issue but both are still roughly about the same.... Men are insecure about their ability, women are mostly insecure about everything but the way they handle it both are very interesting. Women always try to outshine each other, that's why Women are Political and often Historical. And as the saying goes "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Women's Scorn" yes.

Men, on the other hand, are just sometimes childish and abusive. Mostly abusive in stupid ways -.- somehow they are more technical yet they are also more stupid. Sometimes only, which is probably why they are creatively interesting like that.

Okay I can see that I have written out of point and reason being is I am not angry anymore. Was just slightly irritated and right now I am irritated too because I'm perspiring and I don't like perspiring especially after I've just bathed. Not nice.. AH. I feel like I'm turning into a bitch. But I've let you see a piece of my mind. &that's just a piece of it.

Merci. Merci beaucoup mon ami. Désolé. Je ne sais pas pourquoi... je ne peux pas sembler m'exprimer clairement quelquefois. :/

de toute façon, Je t'aime (:

Au revoir!

HELLO. I am Lindsey Lohan...

Haha BAD JOKE! Cheers on you if you understood the joke. If you didn't, doesn't matter. :P! Oh my tian. This is like my final week before the madness of school begins again! Yes! 4 months of school. 4 months of my turning of an ugly duckling to a gorgeous beautiful swan! *INSERT MANY COUGHS HERE* Ahem! So... What have I done so far?

WELL. Mau is goin to Indonesia for 4 months too. So we both go for our adventures on the same 4 months. Yep yep. To shamefully tell you the truth, I went out everyday this week. Yes. My mum was like "sheng qian yi dian dian hao ma?" Then I was like 'Uh ya' then left the house.

Argh. Someone drank a bit of my classmate's water... Did I tell you? I went out with her one time and she bought Sparkling Water unknowingly. For people who don't know what Sparkling water is I shall just tell you it's water that I know Caucasian people drink and it is like an accustomed taste.

It could be my accustomed taste too because when I was a kid I drank it without knowing what it really is. Up til today when I look at it, I still remember it completely. So she drank it and regretted it and made me buy it from her... I didn't want to of course. I did say no... But it happened. I hate it. I'm so easily bullied by people. It's like I can't stand up for myself, I get bullied it sucks. But that's beside the point now because it always happen and it has passed so I'm like whatever about it now. Back to the story...

I went out everyday! AND I spent so much!!!!!!

Monday, I went for a facial with my sister. I withdraw like $20 I think or $50... (I think it's $30) to pay for the lunch. Then I went out with Nelnel to shop. Spent another $20 there. *jaw drop* yes. I ALSO WENT MANGO! YES I WENT MANGO! FINALLY!!!!! I BOUGHT A TOP FROM MY WISHLIST! White tanktop that isn't transparent! THANK YOU! For below $10! Good deal eh?! And it's MANGO!!!!! :D! Then we went Ramen TEN! AGAIN! It's like my third time there on Monday. Had a good chat with my classmates.

Tuesday I went for a Spina check with my mum. Travelled to Raffles, had Fish Bluff Noodles and AVOCADO WITH HONEY! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!!!! Then I watched TDKR with Mau... It was like his sendoff cuz he goin Indo... Yep. I spent $5.50? On dinner? Kimchi thing.

Wednesday was the most epic day ever. I was suppose to meet Max for lunch and dinner end up only lunch. I treated him to Gong Cha because apparently I owe him 2 Gong Cha (Don't ask me why I cannot remember I just remembered I owe him Gong Cha ya) Together our Gong Cha was like $6. And we shared chicken rice... Idk How much I paid for the chicken rice. He paid $10, I paid $10. He got back $4 and I got back $3 something so $7? Because I wanted veggie... Then I went home and slack around til 1900 hours. Went to meet this guy that I have met from an SMU Debate Tournament, I think he is from SP Debates. He lives near Eunos MRT and is in Commandos.. I live just down the road and we went to this place called Mel's Bistro and Bar. First time I downed 2 vodka shots and was dizzy. Omg. So weak sia. I downed Sunrise Tequilla shots before and I survived! Idk what this means but anyway we had a good chat while my head was throbbing and bobbing... My world and head was just spinning. Had to close my eyes sit still and put my index fingers to my temples and breathe. Yep. Such a loser. But then................ HOEGAARDEN WAS AWESOME! YES YES YES! Better than Carlsberg and Heineken! And it's light too! Tastes sooooooooo good! :D! Had 2 Hoegaarden. And best part was Tab was on him! We went Karaoke. He didn't really sing, I sang most of the one hour away and it was close to like midnight. He went to show me places in Roxy where er "magical" things happened to him lol. Then he sent me home in a cab.

Thursday also TODAY. I went River Island, and stuff there was like below $20, I was nothing but shocked. Bought a nice cutesy little bracelet for $6! :)! Spent like almost $60 on a scarf ($11.9) and top ($19.9) from Stradivarius and tanky ($11.9) and a top ($11.9). I think it's more than $60 already, yes plus the bracelet. Still better than that time 6 pieces of clothing for $169! I think! 6 LEH! LAST TIME I WENT F21... Okay nvm. It was good quality clothings. GOOD QUALITY. F21 is substandard quality clothings! Went Ramen Ten to eat again this time. I think I still have like 15 more coupons to go! If you guys want, tell me ok? Thanks!

Right and then tmr is Friday, fun with Jerry! Then Cellgroup hopefully with Janel and Jerry? And then er Saturday is the busiest. Got free scoop day, got baking day and TVD day with the ladies. I think either Jai or Joseph or Weds guy gonna ask me to go drinking with them.. one of them. First come First serve basis or also my cousin yes! We have a karaoke night or something! Then Sunday... Is Church and I think that's all? A day of rest. Or more complaining of how bored I am! Oh wait no, it's something called Brother's Day! Interesting! We apparently also have a Sister's Day!

30th is that day with them and 31st is hopefully my date with friends from school?

A successfully busy and packed week ahead! :)

I miss you. Take care of yourself and your leg! You being so delicate reminds me of myself hehehehe! I am quite the klutz too! :P! Anyway love ya ♥! n.n!

Hoy all! Today work was aweesoomee!

GOT A FREE 7-INCH BLUEBERRY CHEESECAKE! :P!
That's $52 mind you!

Looks like all the scoldings and bitchings paid off! She gave it to me as some kind of a farewell cake before I officially start work!

I want to make something for them too. I was thinking finger foods like those cocktail stuff. I'm good at those I guess. I guess only! I was going to go all Mediterranean MY FAVOURITE STYLE! With the olives!!! OMG! &the mini sausages also called cocktail sausages I think. With of course, Pineapple slices, apple slices, pear slices, Cherry tomatoes. I don't think baby carrots would fit in but yea, something like that. Maybe boiled chicken that's chilled too? Still working on it! AND WHAT ABOUT MUSHROOMS!!!! HAHA! Okay getting a little enthusiastic here. But yes, I would love those... :)

I forgot where I ate one of them cocktails. It had olives, um... like chicken or something OH TOMATOES! Not Cherry but the sliced... I think I have to work on the recipe. But ya. I can't bake. House no oven! Only Microwave oven... So sad right? Ah well.

I could buy quiche.... Or make quiche.... Or not. The quiche I bought that time $16 for a slice. Super rip off lor! But exotic food mah My Fave. Currently still obsessed with the Mediterranean taste. Will tell you when my exotic tongue changes its flavour again! ;)!

Anyway today I woke up in tears, I don't know why man. I spent like 5 minutes plus crying not the normal crying the one where I will really tear until pink eyes! So weird! I didn't have any dreams or anything! Just woke up and cried then felt a bit better. I feel that it's always better to cry when you're sad or upset and vomit when you feel unwell and sort of want to vomit! Works wonders! Talking about vomit reminds me of that one time super freaky...

I remember I had a dumpling that day, it was like in the morning or something during recess, Secondary or Primary school. Then like I was feeling a bit weird the whole day, I only knew when it came to sleeping time, I was still feeling uncomfortable and I couldn't sleep.... It was like 3am and I was just tossing and turning... Then I decided to get up and I felt like puking for a bit so I tried to puke and to my surprise I did vomit and I did feel better. What was astonishing was that the thing that I regurgitated that night was that same dumpling but whole and intact! THAT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! IT NEVER DIGESTED!!!!! Shiiitttt!!!!! DAMN SCARY SIA! That was the last time I ate dumplings or something. Or ate food from that stall. GOSH!

Anyway it's almost 2am. My hair still not really dried yet. You know I was talking to one of the guys from my course. He's some random dude la. Suddenly like chat up to me then all his guy friends say he like me or got something for me. Whatever I don't care. It's just I'm that kind of girl, how do I put it to you? I hang out with a lot of guys. I think sometimes guy friends are better listeners than girlfriends and it's like my guy friends right, today I kind of realised something. The reason why guys love hanging out with me or asking me out is because maybe I really am that interesting or just have a lot of things to say....

I gave it a short experiment. I went out with Piggy the other time, Piggy's in NS. And when he's out of camp, he doesn't want to get contact with anything green, NS or whatever, he said before he just wants to hear me talk about my life and nothing else because my life definitely don't have NS hahaha. That's one thing that kind of supports my observation. And I felt so bad, he was in misery and still drive me around but Piggy's the kind of guy, like got good credentials to be boyfriend and stuff. Thing is, there's no chemistry nor romance between us, he's really friend-zoned when it comes to me. To be honest, sometimes friendzoning a guy, is one of the best things ever.

Then there's Mau. My interactions with Mau are very interesting. He calls me his meimei but then every now and then he'd be like he wants to hug me, kiss me (-.-), comes up with stupid excuses to hold my hands or something even tho he has a girlfriend and his girlfriend is my best friend! SO WEIRD. We're like FWB. But I don't practice that concept so I'm like why are you doing this, you're making me uncomfortable but hugs are okay they always are then he will like kiss my face or my head -.- the shit. But okay whatever. Again, good credentials. Romance and chemistry. He's well... I don't know I don't think I'd ever pick him to be my boyfriend. He does have like how do I say it.... But I don't know I think ultimately, I would still say no. It's just what I feel luh. But other than that, he can be fun and stuff. We always have a lot of fun when we hang out with each other. He's the WTH kind of guy, does a lot of WTH kind of things so yeh, makes things fun and interesting too eh?

For Mau, it's a bit different.. We're really like brother and sister in a sense except when he gets all incestual ha ha ha but other than that, I like our intellectual topics. Cuz we're both from the TP Debates team so I would say talking to him is really like a breath of fresh air sometimes. And he notices our conversations at times like when he's talking about mundane stuff, I don't listen and the stuff I usually talk about is really like whoa interesting, heartfelt, HTHT kind. And that's Mau and that's like our interactions really close and intimate in a sense. I can be totally and completely honest with him so can he with me, and I'm really happy for that :)!

Jerry is rare la but of course he's another old friend of mine just sometimes I don't know if I can really trust him with my secrets to be honest. When you hang around business people, whatever you tell them, you must be careful anyways. That's about what I can say lor. But he's also a fun nice guy, no car or something but very spiritually with God :)! Jerry is also another fun interesting guy all the random stories and joker so not bad, but I have had monologues with him and he has monologues with me so quite okay :)

Justus is like my listening ear forever. I talk to him about my little bro, he sorts of help me and give me advice, tell me what to do but I end up only listening to it not applying it sometimes because I guess all I wanted was a listening ear and he was that and he's great. Okay sidetrack a bit:

You can tell when someone is a good listener or not. In my experience I don't know if I'm a great listener or not. But I try to be. I mean there are some moments in my life, I know I talk monologues and speeches but there are times in my life, I rather be quiet. Especially when you have something to say Heartfelt, HTHT or what. And also, interesting stuff of course. But yes I have a short attention span and yes I AM IMPATIENT. Everyone knows that. Lol #That'sSoJos. So yeh. Moving on...
The person will really show that they are listening to you. What I do is say mmhm. That helps. verbal responses no matter what. And giving your opinion sometimes. It doesn't really count as interruption but it helps a lot because it's like you're really listening and eye contact. Fun thing about these people is we always have eye contact and I am not shy around them because it's like I know them for ten thousand years already. Shy what shy? Never see that word in my dictionary before that sort of thing. So yeh. And you really appreciate them so so so damn much for listening to you! Love them to bits!

And of course the last but not least is Jai la. But Jai I don't really do HTHT talk with him leh. We're too chilled and relax and let lose and have fun to do that kind of stuff haha but if it's needed, he will still have HTHT talk with me of course he will always turn into some kind of a humorous thing. That's the thing about Jai, he's never too serious and always having fun, that makes hanging out with him so much fun! :D!

That's pretty much the guy records... so far those people that I hang out with and love hanging out with or talking to them. One thing that all have in common is......... THEY'RE OLDER THAN ME! :D! Except Justus, he's just a really great guy that's all. But I think all of them are pretty much all FRIENDZONED. Haha. Being friends with guys are so awesome. You can have like the whole world of fun! :P OH OH WAIT! I forgot one more guy! HOW COULD I FORGET HIM!!!! I DIDN'T ACTUALLY! HA!

Of course the last guy is none other than..................... *Drum roll please*................................



LEXY! ♥♥!!!!



Yes my most beloved Lexy, our interact I have to say is probably the most interesting thanks to me ha ha. Lexy is a very cute guy to talk to. Always and forever very playful. Very cute. And he's very thoughtful too as a friend and as an attempted lover or some sort. I love teasing him so much because I love to see his reactions to my teasing. I tease him so much he thinks that I really like him and have feelings for him but I think I'm like his older sister. There was a point in time I thought I really did like him BUT HE'S 4 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME! 3 or 4 years dunno which. But Lexy is actually a very serious guy. He is super mature. Idk why and only likes mature girls. I behave like some little annoying sister to him LOL. Then he's like some big brother or something but he gets entertained by me la. Like come on who doesn't? :P! Our mutual friend is this guy called Adam. He's.......... er not exactly my cup of tea in any way but he's okay. So yep! WRAPPING UP!

2.22am liao. My hair like 70% dried! I think so I should sleep. IF you managed to read through all that monologues GOOD ON YOU! If you died and got bored halfway maybe you're like me hahaha. Idk. I'm talking crap! BYE! ♥~!

I MISS YOU!
I just hope you miss me too...
Sigh. So many things to say but I don't think they'll ever leave my mouth..

Dear readers, whether you are atheist or Christian or whatever your faith is. Yes this is going to be a religion-related post so brace yourself.

1. I am a Christian. You could say I was born and raised in a Christian family. We are not rich. We really aren't. We work hard for the money. Scrim and save also for the money. My mum is practical so I don't think she believes that much in God. But she knows He exists.

2. I am a Christian but I am not perfect. When I came to know God, there is a lot of things that happened to me that I do not really understand but I think it is by His grace and love and care for me that I have live through these moments.

3. I also swear, curse and sin against God a lot. At the end of the day, I will pray and ask for His forgiveness. I will feel remorse and guilt. Bible teaches us to learn from sin and not to do it again. But due to our sinful nature, we do. That is something out of our control. But eventually, we will get out of it. I have seen it happen to people before.

4. Why am I a Christian? I have seen things with my eyes that I cannot believe and I cannot explain. Sometimes it is also by instinct and feelings. I don't know how else to explain this to you but they are really miraculous signs that will leave you as stunned as it has let me.

5. As a Christian, I won't force you to believe in my religion. I do not believe in forcing someone to believe in something they do not believe. I will just feel sadness in my heart that's all. I will not strongly irritate you and make you believe. If I want you to believe in my religion, I will make sure you are okay with it first.

6. I have seen many religions who say they are Christians or so-called but are actually cults or erroneous. I would say perhaps the reason why people do not believe in God or religion is because of them. But let me tell you. Man and God are separate. They do not come together. Do not judge God because of the way Man is like.

We are completely Different. God too. God is like a spiritual being. He is someone that we can talk to. He loves us and knows how we feel about things. Jesus is God's son whom God has loved us so much. He wants to save us from our sinful ways. So God sent His son to die for us on the cross so that whoever who believes in Jesus, will not die but have eternal life. This is what true Christianity is about. At least for the Protestants, for what I believe as this is what I read that the bible keeps talking about. I believe in this and I believe in Him.

In a sense, Jesus is God and God is Jesus because it is mentioned before that God came down as Man through Jesus Christ to save us. This one is a bit complicated if you're going to ask me then I suggest we go together because I'm not sure about how I am going to explain to you but that's the best I can do for now.

If you have any other questions you can ask me! :)! I'll try my best to answer you! :)

Eh, I suddenly have a tagboard again! :P!

Oh dear.

Guys, if you ever take a cab for work NEVER TAKE THE SILVER CAB!
Especially! In case you forget to ask him for a receipt and he just drives off like that! Honestly!

Feeling miserable over being imperfect. Little things like that I can't even do probably. HOW AM I GOING TO DEAL WITH BIGGER THINGS?! HONESTLY! I'm going to make a new habit now. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Get a receipt by the end of every transaction. KNOW what you paid for and for HOW MUCH. Then you can see the value of the item and whether it's worth it or you just overspent.

Wish we could do the same thing for friendships and relationships sometimes. But we can't because these things aren't measurable. We can't put numbers and digits on these things. They only matter because they are things that we feel. There's no measure on emotions. These things are what we call tangible. Tangible always reminds me of debates. This one reminds me of the rapist debates.

Ask you a question, how would you punish a rapist? Give him a number of years in jail? Or kill him? If your reaction is Whoa when I typed Kill him. Then let me ask you, when someone rapes you, against your will, are you scarred for life? Or do you get over it? It's like trauma victims. Can they ever get over it? That's the question. How do you measure? How do you balance out? THERE'S NO BALANCING TANGIBLE STUFF! Bad means bad. There's no little bad or some bad. It's just bad! That's all! It's still ultimately the same thing! Bad!

Anyway now just wait for her to shake her head at me and bitch at me. Just say my dad came to pick me up lah. Or something. I'm okay. I'm a big girl now (whatever my mum says to confuse me then hit me. "You're a big girl now" "But you small girl"... wtf)

I miss you... Again.
I know you hate me or you dislike me when I'm needy
I can understand that because I hate him and dislike him when he was needy too
Difference is, we're in a r/s
He was just my little bro but I gave him every right to feel that way
And who best to understand him than I do?
Then me, his older sister.

There are so many things I want to tell you about.
I don't want to say them over a medium where I cannot see your response.
Yet I am shy enough to not be so open with you.
I don't know if that's a good thing.
But that's what I want to talk to you about.
I do like you and have feelings for you&everything.
Please, just don't take advantage of that.
Please don't take advantage of me.
Please treat me well.

I don't want you to be like...




like...



him...

EVENING!

CSI starts in like 5 minutes!!!!

Listening to Michelle Branch ft Sheryl Crow's Love Me Like That!

Had a really good time with Jerry today. I spilled everything that I was thinking of.... All my thoughts about those dark things. And I'm so happy someone agrees with me on things and you know it's soooo sooooo soooooo good to be able to be honest about certain things and have someone who you can really trust and confide in. I need more people like that in my life.

I think all my old friends are most suitable for that. My old friends from my Alma mater and also from the old church. It's because we have already built a bond with each other. The base is there already, now we're just adding the chocolate and the cream and just the best and most awesome part of the cakes and desserts.

How I miss having such HTHT conversations! They were sooooooo good! Even tho I was the one talking most of the time but they're my old friends so they know me and my monologues! Haha but Nelnel must have really received the worst end of it. Sometimes, I feel that a guy is a better listener than a girl but I can't have too much a preference on this... Everyone has their own strengths....

Which leads me to wonder... Am I a good listener like them? If I had someone like me who talks a lot, will I be able to be like them, shut up and listen? I hope I will be. Because sometimes, I like to listen too instead of always talking. I think I have changed tho. I became a person who likes to listen more now than to talk now. Because everytime when I talk, I always feel so vulnerable. Maybe the reason why I don't have such honest conversations or haven't had one in the longest time is because I feel like I just cannot let my defences or my guard down with a certain person around.

Remember people, trust is EARNED, you do not just get it like that in an instant. There's just no such thing....

HEHEHHEHEHEHE CSI START LIAO BYE!

HELLO EVERYBODAY~~!!!

I had one of the best working days of my life! Yipee!!! :D!

She was actually really nice and decent to me today instead of all the scoldings! Got tips from a gentleman too but went back to him and he was like "oh, keep the change" and they called me blond. Yes I am blond. Very blond.

The lady boss' husband likes to make fun of us the little kids. He was like saying that both of us we wouldn't lie because we do not know how to lie. Too blur to lie already right? And he makes fun of us in a teasing, disturbing kind of way, same as when I first started working as a waitress.

I like today very much! :)! I actually received a very nice comment from her. She said no matter how much I eat, I won't get fat! Omg! But I have a tummeh! And she was still feeding me omai! She fed me like chocolates, Tako Yaki errrrr I had Chicken Rice, that omelette thing! OMG SO MANY THINGS! Everytime I go there got like ten thousand things to eat like that. I am so wellfed there! But they make me work a lot too. So not too bad! :)!

I won't say it but I miss you
I don't know if you miss me or you don't but I hate this.
I hate feeling insecure about this, I hate feeling insecure in totality.
Can trust be extinct in such a thing?
It doesn't feel like what it ought to be
But if you ask me, I think it's a fling
It's been a week and yet it doesn't seem to enlighten me
Is this really going on and happening or is it all in my head?
Should I poke, pinch and violently hit myself?
Will it change anything else?
Please help me
Give me security
Because if you don't...
I am afraid that I might just die in my thoughts and stab myself
I won't tell you this but it's already killing me inside
And I want to be free. I want. Liberation. Please.
This is why... I think you don't need my explanation.
Afterall, we already know this..
...

Hello everyboday.

Sorry I changed my skin again. It had like um photobucket stuff again. SO ANNOYING! So yeh... :(

I had a bad day yesterday. It was Friday. I had half the mind not to go to work. I guess I should have listened to my instincts. It's true, it's like they could survive without me, why did I still insisted on going?

Was it because of the monies? Or was it because of my workaholic tendencies? But whatever it was, it was really bad. I guess yesterday I was really distracted. I don't know why they were also so very angry with me.

It feels like all the small things. Did I do something wrong? I came in late, that's one thing I know. And I can't believe whatever that has happened yesterday still affects me today. And will it tomorrow? I have no idea man...

But I should be used to it. They are always like that to me. Hmm...

She really made me feel like a kid, so immature like I didn't grow up. I am irresponsible and everything :( which makes me think, am I really like that? I guess I sort of am. Sigh. I need to grow up and act like a responsible adult now.

I won't blame it on the culture that I grew up in or whatever but then well.... It sort of has to do with that I think.

I am going back there on Sunday. Hope I don't dread it. Will I have this dreading feeling for my dream job too? :(

Can't help but keep worrying... Will I get in? Will I not? I never really have a strong enough passion for anything you know? I am sort of the person that goes by with whatever that comes in the way. Maybe I should be less like that and more hardheaded on some stuff.

On a lighter and brighter note, I have attended my class BBQ today and it was awesome :) I missed being in class again, all the madness and fun. I really missed them. It was a good catchup :)!

If you are here. Like I am now. Thank you for coming here.

If you are here, like I am now and you see this blogskin with the photobucket saying that the photo has expired. You know how old this blog is.

If you are here like I am right now. You will notice that "life will be better; cheers" and 'I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone' has been changed. Why? Because you were here.

THANK YOU! for being here. :)

Now I know why I don't blog so much anymore. Never was a great fan of HTML and I doubt I'll ever be.

So the question in your head now is Why am I suddenly here? Why have I returned after so long? Gave my blog a new skin, new face, new everything? I'll tell you why because for once, I don't have to say "life will be better; cheers" because my life is better and yes, cheers to that. (No Martini or alcoholic drinks? Too early? OJ or water or any beverage will do just fine :) )

I just feel that I should blog about this. Try to understand what I am thinking or feeling, for you and for me really. I should be really happy right now at this moment in my life. Why? Let's just say I'm going to go for my dream job and my love life is in that sense fulfilled. :)

Who knew I could snag 2 things at once? I thank God for all these really. As much as possible, I am a person who tries to be myself a lot. I find it gratifying to be able to show people who I really am sincerely and really meaning it.

I picked this skin because I think it best reflects how I feel right now. I am really happy with him. I♥the colour YELLOW! as you can see from the side :)

However, while I am happily living in this moment of bliss happiness. My scars do not let me rest in peace. It is still very daunting and very tiring to be haunted by the past. They will always remind you or life too that things that are happy aren't constant. Because if they are, that's just not life's style.

In this moment though, I would like to express my gratitude for the kindness God has bestowed upon me. I will treasure this moment in time when I, if I can say almost had it all. It's just 2 things but 2 BIG things. I fear for the future as I always will. I fear that they will tear me in different directions, making me choose one over the other. By then, who will I choose? :/

That, is for you to find out and for me to know, if I actually do know what the answer is at this point in time but I worry and think too much. So right now, I'm just going to be happy and satisfied with life while it last and I still can do that! :)

See you around again! Thank you for checking back every now and then! :)

Letter to Robin

CONGRATULATIONS ROBIN! YOU FOUND IT!

Not like it's that hard to find, I post it everywhere. Hahaha. But this is one dead dear thing.

END OF LETTER.

081111 00:50

Man oh man. I washed me hairree. Yessiree. Well updates on my life. I haven't graduated yet. Dammit. I'm still schooling but then I'm totally enjoying the working life. It's a bitch because I work almost everyday yet I'm okay with it.

I'm like a workaholic. And I totally like being a workaholic. But then the thing is that, it really ruins my life. I rush everywhere and everything. And sometimes I don't know why I'm rushing but I'm rushing and that's that. :/

I like having this freedom of money in my pocket though. I guess it's something everyone likes but then what about a young teen or youth? I think sometimes the world really impacts us a lot.

Years ago, I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't care about what clothes I wear. I wouldn't care about what people think about me but I care so much about what I think about myself. What I am, what morals I believe in and hold so dear to my heart.

Now that I've grown older, I can't really see these things as I have seen them before. I shop now, I buy really expensive things now. I actually have a preference for materialistic goods. The past me didn't like all these things. The present me does. No matter how much I try to convince myself to be different I think I've lost the true purpose of why I wanted to be different in the first place.

I wanted to be different because what I perceive of the crowd is that they always follow blindly, they think it's cool and they wanna do it and end up everyone's doing it. It's really stupid to me. So then I wanted to be different, I wanted to be the interesting one, the one that is different and special and sees things from the other side of the mirror.

The grass ain always greener on the other side then. The grass was always greener, fresher and more awesome on this side.

And man oh man, I had dreams, I have a lot of dreams. But now, I think the only dreams I should have is when I close my eyes.

:P

-

Hello Blog. :)

I told myself not to be emo tonight but the sky isn't really all that helpful..
I guess sometimes I can't control my thoughts and words very well.
I don't think before I speak most of the time because I always think that, the first words and thoughts that you think are the truth and is you not the fake you.

I focus too much on being me, really me not fake like the other people. And then I realise that I may not understand the situation properly and speak first, which causes more troubles.

I have problems being myself now and being who I want to be, yes there's a difference.
I believe that I have to really think about all these things. And right now, here in this dead stormy night, I fight my battle alone, and I wish for things to be well alone.

But the truth is, I guess, I should learn to move on, let live and just enjoy life and the moments. Don't think too much, try your best in everything, watch what I say and just have neutral thoughts and feelings all the time, then, life will be at peace. :)

*takes a deep breath and blows away all the dust*

HI! Hahaha sorry I didn't come on so long honey... But you know what, right now, I'm in school again.

It's been a mad emotional ride, you know? But it has been fun. For once in my life, I feel grateful that I am taking a lighter stand at things in life.

I played poker and got impressed by a guy. I think I discovered what kind of a girl I am when I played poker and I know what kind of a guy I might take interest in. :P

And I also played my favourite round of hearts, I lost the game but I was happy. Why? I have no idea why neither! I thought I would get angry and stomped off hahahaha.

Now, let me introduce you to my baby!



I only like the "oetoriya oetoriya daridiridara du~" HEEHEE!

Oh gosh and with the night comes the dread!
2 articles baby! Everyone makes it sound all cool and nice... 10 REFERENCES!

I should sleep, the pimples are almost healing.... zzz... goodnight! :)!

Singapore's sky doesn't really look like that, yea I know.

But you know, despite Singapore being a city that doesn't have a lot of nature. I feel envious of the people living close to the ocean or the seas.

I think the place where I live is relatively close to the ocean because I live quite near East Coast Park or ECP as you may like to call it. I don't know what's with people and the short forms for everything. Like King Albert park is KAP. Haha.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it, I was out with Piggy on Friday night, and we do what we did before, we at the sea side, and we were just sitting at the beach at night looking out at the ocean. The first time I was there, I was with another guy, angmoh guy haha. And I think it's nice.

I really like nature. I like the ocean, I like being out at the beach at such a late hour, I don't mind staying there the whole night, I think it would be very romantic.

But even though, these 2 guys, I don't exactly hold any romance with any of them, I still think it's nice that we're at the beach.

The sand at night is cool, there is no one in sight, just the 2 of us and the world feels open to us. The sense of freedom is overpowering. Though I must say, being with the angmoh guy, I had more of that feeling. Why?

The apartment that he is living in, faces the ocean, so beautiful. I love it, and we were drinking, I had the rum and the lime, we were out in his apartment til like early in the morning about 3am or 4am? Then other nights we went to the beach and we actually lied down to look at the stars, so awesome, I love it.

Can you imagine? How it must be like in the other countries? I can't wait. I can't wait for my own independence.

I feel like Love, Pray, Eat haha. But I don't know this feels different.

Oh, nature, what would I do if I didn't have you?

I would be sooooo lost.... without you...



<3 ....

HEY ALLL! What's up? I haven't blogged in the longest time..... Haha.
I hope all of you are fine and well.

Anyways, been working at UniSIM everyday. 1 hour 10mins long bus ride.
I always wanted to count how many bus stops but didn't. However, I know I pass by a lot of schools. And nice places.

I get a feeling that if I go there everyday, I might end up being a stud there. OMG, the school fees are like half a million from the way I see it. Can't afford that shit.

But yea other than that, I had time, A LOT OF TIME to think about what I want. I guess my mum wants to turn me into a girl even though she knows I hate lace and pink. Gaaaaah, here's the wishlist anyway....

* if you wanna get it for me, consult me first, thanks


White Tank Top: Try not to be spaghetti
Long Sleeve Top: Can be cardigan, shirt, tighfit
Black vest
Jacket
Stockings: Thick - Black and colours
Nail Polish: Beige, sky blue, yellow, orange
Heels: COMFORTABLE. Stills.
Dresses for all occasions, knee length.
Hats
Sunglasses
Boots: ankle, knee length
Shoes: sneakers, palms?
Hairspray: my dream one was the one I first came across Seabreeze Hairspray for $24 bucks about there hehe
Ipod touch
Iphone
Personal Digital Camera
Digital Watch
Laptop screen protector*
Handphone screen protector*

Hello, it's been a while since I've been here. How are you?

It's been crazy. I still don't think my GPA is going to soar this semester because I just don't take the ropes enough. Well, I've discovered something new about myself again. My mouth is just glued together. :|

Yeah.... It's like I have the thoughts in my head, it's talking them out that's difficult. I don't know why. And sometimes when they come out of my mouth, they are in words and tones that I don't feel. Maybe it's just a problem of expression?

I realise that when there are other people around to take the ropes, I'm kind of afraid of being part of the competition or something so I just try to stay out of power. That's not exactly a good thing but it goes and runs along I guess. I don't have a lot to say and I have different moods when I feel like talking when I don't.

I like The Office. Jim vs Dwight. It's hilarious really. I wish I could like somehow see more of it. Too bad the funniest videos was just been cut off by youtube. Oh wells, so back to the other comedies? I think Mind Your Language can be boring sometimes. The Cosby Show is always rather exciting. Hehehe.

Well, today is break day so I should find something to do and then gear up on the momentum again. It's been crazy, I was supposedly suppose to have 3 presentations today. It's only 2. And I felt like I've lost my silver mouse. In the end, I think my sissy has it. :/

For the past 3 consecutive days, I've been bringing my lappy to school yo. Not too bad is it? But heavy I must tell you. :(

Ah, now I've got Presentations to prepare for progplan, UT, skit for interpersonal, and a CI presentation to do for the following week too! SDLs, reports. I'm weighing out the work then I have to study for 2 subjects and then I wonder how the rest is going to be like. Love, sweet love heehee.

The title reminds me of this song... So long ago....

I didn't notice
But I didn't care
I tried being honest
But that left me nowhere
I watched the station
Saw the bus pulling through
And I don't mind saying
A part of me left with you

One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home

Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask for too much?
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?

One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home

What would you do if I could have you?
Oh if I could
I'd let you feel everything I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?

One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you

This phrase has so many meanings.

We use it in the Christian context, that's where I usually always hear it. And yesterday I heard it again in a different way. I heard it through a woman's voice on serving others, those in need. It sounded so bold, so noble. And also very...

I don't know what's the word for it. But it will definitely be counted worthless and not the materialistic life that the majority seeks but it will fulfill emotional need, it's high scoring on the EQ level than the shopping and materialistic level.

It's amazing. I've been to PLMGS for like at least a decade of my little life and I never knew that a little villa existed near my school, like a world of their own. Captured in a house that looks like a villa. It's really awesome though I must tell you.

I've always pass it by but think it's a temple. It's a heaven for the people living in there. It's like a giant house for the people who need it the most. The words she used to describe and talk about them were just so filled with love.

In my course, we do not know how else to call them. The word Old is always associated with the negative. Older sounds a little more acceptable. Elderly is kind of gross too. We call them patients because they are technically like that. But she calls them residents. And she's filled with so much love because she says things like they are at the other end of life. And it's either making their numbered days a happy one or a sad one but mostly all of them enjoy it happily.

She said she's seen beautiful deaths and ugly deaths before. When asked what ugly deaths were, she talked about bloody deaths. I thought it was really nice of her.
I've never known someone with so much heart for the older adults. I really admire her. But she gets very touchy and scary and strict and fierce on violence. But other than that, she's really nice.

I went inside, we went to interview the people there, I was careful, I didn't dare to really talk to everyone but I smiled a lot. I felt sad for the people there. Sort of. Because, I was thinking if I were like them, I think I would kill myself, my life would be no meaning for me.

I got a bit scared of growing old, I already know what's in store for me, how I might die. Death is such a morbid topic but being in this course, sometimes, that's just what people are really waiting for. The next step, the next journey. So it really teaches me to live life to the fullest, the most meaningful while you still can.

Lastly, a song that came into my head when I wrote the title of this entry. Maybe you'll find that it rings a bell?



LYRICS:
REGINA SPEKTOR- THE CALL
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye...

HAHAHA! BUT I NEED! BYEEEE! I mean, I'll see you again when I do. :)